Something I Found and Wish to Remember

The blog post below was taken from a blog called UnTangled. It moved me deeply and I wish to hold on to it, because it summed up my thoughts on the subject so well. One day, I wish to show this letter to my daughter (and son, if we'll have one), in the hopes that it will be one of her main guiding lights in life.

So without further ado, I present to you:

A Daddy’s Letter to His Little Girl

(About Her Future Husband)

April 17, 2013

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you. 

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting: 

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.

I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You. 

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you. 

Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

15 months...

Daddy's feet are a bit bigger than mine...

It has been 15 months since our little girl was born, and boy, has she changed!

Height: still 76 cm

Weight: 9.4 kg

Clothing size: still 80cm

Shoes size: still 11.5cm (or 3 in the US)

Diaper size: medium

Teeth: still the same 6 from last time

Eyes: While they have not changed from their beautiful greenish brown, we have noticed that her eyes tend to be more green when she's upset or sick.

Food: She finally likes milk!!! I can't even begin to express how happy this makes me. Not just that, but she also drinks her milk from a regular cup.

Nursing: We have become much better at nursing only three times at night. Though there are some slip ups here and there (mostly when I'm too tired), but I think we're doing pretty well overall.

Sleeping: 9 times out of 10 Rini sleeps 4-5 hours straight from the time she goes to bed, and I have even noticed her waking up only almost at 2 A.M. a few times. Luckily the weather has been mild, so no A/C has been necessary yet.
She has also returned to her normal 7:30-8 P.M. bedtime, making me think it was just a form of jetlag for her not wanting to sleep until 9 P.M. Needless to say, because of all these alterations in her bed time routine, or more so, trying to get back into our previous bedtime routine, we didn't bother with the crib at all.

Milestones: WOW! What a month this has been! On Saturday, May 25th, she learned how to slide down on a slide. True, it's a tiny baby slide, but she got the technical parts down of one leg forward, then next, then hold the side, and slide. (^_^)v

This is not a slide I'd let her do alone, yet... but it was cool!

On Monday, May 28th, Rini was comfortably walking around with holding only one of our hands, as well as talking 1-2 steps on her own. She went from not daring to take a step unless we held both her hands to this in just 2-3 days. By May 31st, she managed to take 4-5 steps at a time without falling. By June 2nd, she was walking on her own pretty well, though she still had the little waddle in her step, with her little hands to the side for balance. On June 4th, she comfortably walked up and down on the stairs in our building by holding onto the side rails only. By the time she turned 15 months old, she needed no assistance in walking or managing the stairs, and would only lose her balance, if the road was really uneven and her foot got caught on something.
It is great seeing the progress she is making in a matter of only a couple weeks really. It has also made our lives much easier that we can rely on her to follow us without assistance. I know that my back for one is definitely happy.

Kitty!!!... Didn't I see you not long ago?

Words: Nothing new really.

Favorite toys: Once again, nothing new.

Likes: Her likes haven't changed much, except with regards to milk.

Dislikes: Her dislikes haven't changed much either.

Mommy/baby update: I've been trying my best to spend more time with Rini, and it has helped us connect better. My aim is to spend one day during the weekend being just the two of us, bonding. Hopefully, we can keep it up for years to come.

And that is all. (^_^)v

More Musings of the Future

I actually went off on a tangent yesterday, which is fine and good, but I didn't get my main question answered, and that is "What's next... as a job?"

Being conversational in Japanese would have been a great and valuable skill in Hungary, but I don't think that will be true in NYC. At this point, I can honestly say that I'm not going to be proficient enough in Japanese by the time we would leave to give me any real benefits in the job front in NYC. As long as I solidly pass N3 on the JLPT, I'll be very happy. This is not me being humble, but it's reality. I once again fell off the wagon a couple months back, being busy with preparing for our NYC trip and other work related tasks, and at this point, I probably won't get back to serious studying until I take the test in July. 

So the question remains, if we are to move back to NYC within 6 months of leaving Japan, what will I do with my life there? Here are the few options I have thought of so far:

• I would stay home with our children, if we can afford it.
  By the end of 2014, Rini will be almost 3 years old and hopefully we'll have a new little addition to our family, too. With a baby and a toddler, it would be best for one of us to stay home, and I'd like that to be me. Not for a long time, but maybe until baby #2 turns 3 years old. The potential problems I see with this are A, can we afford it, and B, will I be suited to stay at home. The first question will be easily answered once we know where my husband will work, and where we will live. It's just a simple question of budgeting.
  The second question worries me a bit more, because I don't have a great track record of self-motivation. While I'd like to think I have changed a fair amount during my time in Japan, becoming more mature and responsible, I don't know if I can say with 100% certainty that I will stay on top of things, once the demands of my job that currently pays the bills doesn't loom over my head. I'd like to believe I could hold down and run a household, and make sure our children are well cared for. I'm hoping that, if for nothing else, resting up in Hungary will serve as a way to transition into the stay-at-home mom mentality, and I will be asking my relatives to help me in this. I still have a lot to learn about running a household efficiently, and planning meals so that we don't waste money or food is a pretty daunting task to me. 
• I would try to get accepted into the Teaching Fellows program.
  From their website: "The NYC Teaching Fellows program recruits and prepares high-quality, dedicated individuals to become teachers who raise student achievement in the New York City classrooms that need them most." This basically means that people who did not receive their BA/BS in Education can still get into teaching, as long as they're willing to work in high-poverty communities and/or with special needs students. While teaching, Fellows also complete their master's degree. While I think I'd rather teach elementary school, currently there are waaaaay too many elementary school teachers and not enough positions available, so if I want to continue teaching, this would be my only way in.
  This program is great, because I could receive a degree while I work, so I wouldn't "waste" time doing the school-first, job-after approach. They are even looking for ESL teachers.
  The downside is that choosing this option would need a full-time commitment, which means I'd automatically opt out of staying home with the children. Just their summer pre-service training is a 6-week long, Monday through Friday, 10-hour-a-day training program.
  Of course, with such commitment, I better be damn sure I want to be a teacher. While I don't think I'm a bad teacher, maybe even a somewhat good one, I'm not sure I'm ready to make that type of commitment right away, mainly because of how young our children will still be. What worries me is that, if I don't take this opportunity as soon as I'm back in NYC, whatever credit or edge my JET experience would give me during the application process will become obsolete within the few years I'd spend in staying home.
• I would try to find a part-time job in whatever field I can.
  My actual dream job, and please don't laugh, is to own my very own yarn store. Knitting, crocheting, and the love of yarn has been the one consistent thing in my life besides my husband and child, since I've turned twenty. I really think I would enjoy the balance of business and creativity as well as the flexibility of owning a business would afford me. It would be a lot of work, but not something I could not handle. If I could find a part-time job in a yarn store in NYC, I think I would be one of the happiest creatures alive.
  Also, a part-time job would be great in many ways. First, it would bring in a little something on the side, that could be saved up or used as needed. Second, it would take me out of the house, but not for so long, that finding childcare would be too difficult and too expensive. Also, if I did find a part time job in a yarn store, it would give me a great opportunity to learn all there was to know about owning and running a yarn store.

So these are my options, or at least the ones I've thought of so far. All of them are very different from each other, and while it might not be impossible to do one after the other, it's probably not the smartest idea. There are so many things up in the air, so many things that are unknown to us, that it's hard to focus on any of these as a final choice.
I do think that applying to the Teaching Fellows program right after Japan is probably not a good idea, because I don't think I could commit to it fully, while our children are so young. Not to mention, while it might be pretty to have a master's degree on our wall, it's useless, unless I'm ready to dedicate at least 5-10 years to teaching. If I could be sure that waiting a few years would not result in loosing my edge, and in turn not getting accepted into the program, I think I'd be glad to become a Teaching Fellow and teach. My yarn store dream can wait, as I always thought of it as something I'd do at least 10-15 years down the line.

So, what shall I do? I guess only time will tell.

Places, Places....

As we're heading into our last year on JET, I've began thinking about the question that I think every JET thinks about at some point during their last year, and that is: "What's next?"

Originally, within the first few months of my husband moving here, I was hoping and planning for us to move to Hungary after our five years in Japan. I figured, I'd be more valuable in Hungary if I can speak both English and Japanese, and could support us for a few years (meaning at least about 5), while our future children learn the language and culture of Hungary.

Then we got pregnant, and the months just flew by. Our daughter was born, and when she was a little over 4 months old, we visited my family in Hungary. We spent 3 weeks there, so that we could get a feel for the environment we were thinking of moving to, as well as check out the job situation. During the trip, there were a few things that we realized as James and I constantly talked about our future plans.

First, that James didn't think he could handle living in another country, where he didn't speak the language. Second, my family was super supportive and loving and that it would be beneficial for our children to keep close contact with them. Third, and this happened as we were at the airport leaving, that we both really REALLY missed having family around. This in turn, raised the question whether we should just leave after our third year on JET, but after much consideration about my ability to learn Japanese and having time to save up some money, we decided that the best course of action would be to stay for the fourth year and then leave. James also suggested that no matter where we moved, it should be within two hours driving distance of some family. Finally, he told me that he understood what I meant when I said that living in Hungary would be safe for our children, and that it would be a good idea to stay there for some time.

So having settled this, we came back to Fukuyama. Another few months went by, and our discussion continued. Our new observations included James realizing that he didn't want to stay at home with two kids, but that after JET, I do want to stay home with our kids. Moreover, we thought it would be better to have baby #2 after we leave JET, so that we didn't have to deal with packing and kids at the same time. This left us with the need to change our initial plans. If I wanted to stay home and James didn't, that would mean that it would be up to James to support us while we were in Hungary. Not impossible, but maybe a bit harder than it would have been for me to get a job, as he doesn't speak much Hungarian.

However, I've also realized through further discussions that as much as he says he can deal with it, my husband would not be happy in Hungary for many reasons. So while officially our plans didn't change much, I've started thinking about Hungary as a rest spot between Fukuyama and New York. A place where we would spend no more than 6 months, which would be enough for me to spend some serious time with my family and get to know them as people, for Rini to pick up a solid foundation of Hungarian, and if we're pregnant, to have baby #2 without worrying much about insurance and cost. If while we were there James decided to look for a job, and find that job enjoyable enough that we could spend more time in Hungary, great, but if not, at least thinking this way will hopefully prevent me feeling too upset later on.

I'm glad to say looking at the future this way has helped me over time to accept the concept of returning to New York much sooner that I originally expected to. It also shifted my focus, and I began looking at what is possible and what is not possible when it comes to living in NYC. I still didn't want to live in the City (that includes all boroughs), so I began looking at towns that were no more than an hour by train from Grand Central station, but had the feel of Fukuyama and my home in Hungary. Our New York trip was coming up, too, and I was determined to see if such a place, which I had in my mind for so long, even existed. 

I did some research and decided to visit at least two places, one being White Plains, and the other, a much smaller town called Katonah, and its surrounding area. Once we were in New York, we drove out first to White Plains. Driving through the area, I felt like this was it. It had a really quiet-looking residential area with nice one-family homes, and a busy downtown, not too far away with all of our favorite stores present. The train station wasn't too far either, and I got the feeling, that if I wanted to, I could ride my bicycle to places instead of driving. 

We then continued to Katonah, which turned out to be too small, and nothing what I thought it would be from the research I did on the place. Still it was a nice road trip, and I'm glad we went there.

Once we were back in Fukuyama, I continued my research. People have been telling me this already, but it was nice to confirm, that buying a house in White Plains was a bit expensive. While I'm making sure we save a fair amount of money while we're here, I've realized that amount still won't be enough for a down payment. This means we are looking at a minimum of 3-5 years of renting and making sure our credit is exceptional, before we can buy a house, and that is fine by me. However, I also began looking for White Plains-like places to see if there are any other small cities that are a bit cheaper. This lead me to New Rochelle, just north of New York City. Houses there seem slightly cheaper, but the area still promises to be nice. For $400,000 there are some really nice 2+ bedroom/2+ bathroom homes, with a pretty big garden to boot.

This got me excited enough, that I decided to bring up in conversation last night what each of us wanted in our future home. My husband and I got talking, and this is what we came up with. 

On James's side, he'd prefer:

• a nice big kitchen, 
• at least 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms, one of which is attached to the master bedroom, 
• two floors,
• and a basement, which can be used as a man cave or game room.

On my list, I have: 

• a big bathroom attached to the master bedroom, 
• 2+ bedrooms, 2+ bathrooms,
• a big garden with trees,  which is isolated from the sidewalk,
• and having a fence around our entire property.

We realized we do not care much about the size of our living room or dining room, and care more about the quantity of bedrooms, rather than the size. Size only matters when it comes to the kitchen, master bathroom, and garden. 

I'm glad that we have some sort of idea now of how we can compromise so that both of us can be happy. I need a house in a quiet and safe neighborhood, James needs to be close to his friends, family, and the city. Hopefully, we will be able to find the right home when the time is right. Until then, I'll just plan and dream, and keep doing plenty of research.