Dealing with Depression (aka Fix Yourself First)

This post has been brewing in me for quite some time, and I guess it's time to explore it.

During the last two years or so that I lived in New York City just before JET, I was quite depressed. James and I lived together, and I spent my days watching TV, staring at the computer screen, going to class, and babysitting. I also took care of the laundry and made dinner sometimes, though most times James helped after he came home from work.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like there was no direction in my life. I dreaded finishing college because I knew there would be no real knowledge behind the piece of paper I'll receive. It also didn't help that it took me way too long to graduate, so I felt no pride in finishing school either. I had no accomplishments, and my only happiness came from James and knitting. Planning a wedding around that time was nice, I guess, but the weddings themselves brought a whole lot of heartache. In the end, I began going to a psychologist, to sort out all the issues that have been festering in me.

I often wonder what it was that got me out of that depressing period. Maybe it was getting counseling and dealing with some very painful things from my past once and for all. Maybe it was getting into JET and finally taking care of myself like never before. Maybe it was having a job with responsibilities. Maybe it was all of the above, with the final push of my husband joining me here in our new home. But who really knows?

The reason I bring this up is because my husband has been dealing with depression for some time now, and (to my surprise) I'm at a loss at how to help him. Although truth be told, I think he's doing way more than I ever did to take care of our home, and now our daughter, I'm still worried about him and our situation.

Having to work full time and being a mom leaves me with little extra energy to deal with problems, which leads to quick (and many times unwise) ideas and rash comments. Suggesting to your partner to just "turn the damn computer/game/... off" or giving "helpful" ideas about what could be done around the house while our child plays on her own (ha!), are things that might have worked with me, though probably not. The thing is, some people are suited to being at-home-parents and can come up with wonderful activities for the kids and make new and exciting meals daily, and enjoy doing it to boot. Others feel more accomplished when they can measure their contribution in money earned after a day of hard work. I'm not yet sure which category I belong to, but I know James prefers the latter. Being away from the workforce for over two years definitely left its mark, I think. He seems to have lost his sense of purpose. Taking care of a household and a child, while hard work and a full time job, is only rewarding, if there's a feeling of accomplishment and pride as well. Otherwise, it's just a constant string of chores, and who likes to do chores all the time? But chores need to be done and children need to be cared for, which includes a relatively clean house, fresh air daily (preferably in a park setting), and good food. So it figures the way to help the situation is by making sure James feels a sense of accomplishment and pride concerning his situation.

And this leads me to my next point... It just recently dawned on me how I contributed to my husband's decline of wellbeing. (I know, I know...) Many days, after I came home, instead of asking how I could help, I unloaded all my frustrations from the day on him. Instead of appreciating the things he managed to get done next to our daughter, I grumbled about all the things that weren't done and the general mess in the house. If I had a particularly rough day, and when I got home, he happened to be in front of the computer, it was all I could do not to throw a fit, many times unsuccessfully. Way to make my partner feel accomplished and boost his sense of pride... (-_-')

So what have I learned? Since my husband has yet to provide me with a schedule of his day where every minute is accounted for, it's quite unfair of me to assume I know what's going on at home. Also, just because our daughter acts nice and sweet and plays on her own when I'm around, doesn't mean she acts the same when she's with her dad only. Furthermore, just as much as I need some alone time with myself and my thoughts, I'm sure he needs it, too, and if he gets this through his games, who am I to say no?

Now here comes the big question. What can I do to make sure both of us are happy? I've been trying to figure out what would make me happy, because it's hard to talk about something you have not formulated in your head, and this is what I came up with:

• I like it when there's a way to track accomplishments and progress.
  We tried a chores chart before our daughter was born, but it failed. The main reason on my part was because we divided the chores up 50-50, it lead me to resent the amount of chores I had to do, because I also worked full time. Not to mention, since our chart was on paper, once it went out of sight, it was most definitely out of mind. I've been using some apps to create good habits, and it's been working well, so maybe we could use an app for this, too, something that tells us what each of us should do and when. So I looked in the app store and found a couple interesting choices.
• When he tries harder, I try harder.
  I don't know if my husband sees it the same way, but I feel like the more I see my husband try, the more I want to help out. It's not foolproof, but I hope it at least counts for something. And hey, maybe that schedule thing wouldn't be a bad idea after all! (Also, I wonder if the reverse is true for him.)
• Update, compromise, let it go...
  It has been a long time since my husband and I had a long, honest, and understanding conversation. I miss these probably the most from our lives pre-baby, pre-Japan, pre-wedding. Stress on our plates have been multiplying, and I have a hard time expressing myself without sounding like I'm nagging, whining, or being resentful in some way. I also think I have lost sight of our partnership along the way. Though we have talked a lot about our hopes, dreams, expectations for the future in the first few years of being together, these have since became outdated, and in serious need of an update. We need to state our current expectations of each other and ourselves, make new compromises, and let go of what is not important for either of us.
• Priorities
  There are some things I feel take definite priority over others. However, I also have a feeling my idea of what has priority is not the same for my husband. (Like playing on the computer vs most other things, and knitting over many other things.) (^_~)v So clearing this up would probably make both of our lives much happier.

Now I just have to find out what my husband wants and hopes. More importantly, what are the things that make him happy and unhappy? What are the things I can help with or change so he can feel more supported and appreciated? What would help boost his feelings of accomplishment and pride?
Finally, anyone has any suggestions about anything discussed in this post?