Should I stay or should I go...?

It's now November and I guess it's needless to say just how much I doubt I'll fulfill my New Year's resolution of 52 blog posts in 52 weeks... Oh well, such is life of a working mother of an adorable baby. On that note, here's Rini!

Ready for Halloween!

I've been really busy with work lately. I really like my job, it's quite fun, but it's also very tiring. Being "genki" for 8 hours a day takes a lot of energy, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When I finally get home to my loving husband and adorable baby, it's only their smiling faces that give me that last bit of energy boost to enjoy my evening actively by playing with, feeding, bathing, and finally putting my daughter to sleep, just to go to bed soon after myself.

I have nothing to complain about and I really do enjoy my life a lot. I just wanted to point out the reason for the lack of posts in the past 6 months. Considering I'm not too big on writing during the best of times, I believe it's no surprise that this was my first commitment that fell to the side to give space to spend time with my family and to rest.

But lately, more and more I feel the need to let some thoughts loose. Whether it's because my husband has been blogging more lately, too, or it's just getting a bit crowded in my head, I don't know, but here I go.

In just a couple months we as a family have to make a big decision once again, and that is, whether we stay in Japan for another year (as in from 2013 summer to 2014 summer), or do we take the next step come this summer?

This next step most likely would be to move back to my home country, Hungary, and try our luck there for the next 5-10 years. There are many reasons why moving to Hungary would be a good idea, some of which are:

• our child(ren) could grow up in a calm and safe environment surrounded by a loving family;
• they could learn Hungarian well and experience the culture, something that I alone cannot fully accomplish;
• they could form close bonds to a part of their identity, and know where half of their roots come from, without a question.

This is not to say that our family on the East Coast is not loving, but I am weary about raising our child(ren) in such a city as New York, where there is so much noise, concrete, pollution, and general stress is found. Sure, we could try to find a smaller place away from the city, but that will also draw us further away from what family and friends we have there. Even before Japan, we saw most of my husband's family maybe twice a year, and that's quite unlike what I experienced in Hungary, where we'd drop by my grandmother's and aunt's house once a week or so, where no prior arrangements are necessary, because it's 15 minutes by car, and if they are home we're welcomed with food and good conversation, and if they're not, we'll try next time. My father's house, where we would live, is also a place where I could let kids run around in the backyard without a thought and know they were safe, where they could explore and play and climb trees and play with water in the summer or build a snowman in the winter, and no outside harm could come to them. It's a neighborhood, where I'd have no problem letting my 4-5 year old run to the baker around the corner two blocks away, or let her walk to school on her own a week into 1st grade. All the while, if I do want the excitement of a major city, it's no more than 30 minutes away.

This is what would await us in Hungary. A safe place to calm home.

Now the only problem is, of course, money... more specifically, finding not just jobs, but good jobs. Hungary is not a rich country, but it's a place I think we could make things work, especially since we speak fluent English. However, it is also a country with it's own unique (and quite difficult) language, which potentially makes fitting in hard, if someone doesn't understand what people are saying all around. This is where my worry for my husband comes in. He had a hard enough time the past year and a half dealing with a country, where he did not understand the main language. At least we had some "ready-made" friends through my job, who spoke English, and he could also blend in when/if he wanted to. So moving to a country where we didn't (yet) have any English-speaking friends and where he would stick out like a sore thumb, worries me quite a bit.

So why not just leave this idea be? After all, in America, we both have friends, we both can speak the language... Part of the reason is what I already mentioned above. The other part is quite selfish on my part. I miss my family. I miss my culture. My father, and not to mention grandmother, is getting older and older, time slipping by, and I'd like a chance to reconnect with them not just as my family, but as people. I want to learn recipes only my grandmother could teach me before she forgets how to do them. I'd like to be able to help my dad out with holding onto the home I grew up in, at least until my little brother settles down himself and can take over. I'd like our child(ren) to grow up playing with cousins of similar age and forming bonds and memories that will help them decades from now to keep our family connected.

Also, America is not completely off the list.... I just would like it to wait a little. Wait until Rini is a bit more grown up, when she can start to appreciate the diversity and culture the city and that great country can offer. I want New York and I definitely want my husband's family to be part of our child(ren)'s life. I believe my in-laws could teach amazing things, and to that point, I will try my best so that our child(ren) can spend summers with them if they are welcome to do so.

Now the finally question remains... should we stay or should we go?

If we stay, we could save up more money and I could learn more Japanese. We could also be either pregnant again, or have a newborn in our hands, which would make moving to a new country and settling in a lot more stressful.

If we go, we could have time to settle into our reversed roles, my husband working full-time and me staying home with Rini and work part-time teaching English. We could get to know the system and have no major changes going on when we do decide to try for our second child. Or if for some reason we can't find jobs, we'll only have one child to deal with when we move back to New York, and I'll have family support in Hungary, while James looks for a job and a place for us to stay in NYC.

So.... should we stay or should we go? We'll just have to see.