The Person that I Am...

The last few days I've been feeling a bit down due to stress most likely, but it just could be that time of the year for me. These bouts of blue come and go every so often, so it's nothing special, and I'm hoping that by writing about it, it will leave sooner rather than later.

There have been a few things floating through my mind, with the most significant one being the comparison of me present and 6-8 years past. It's quite shocking just how much has changed, and trying to figure out if I "grew up" or just hit a temporary stage in my life is something that only time will tell. But don't let me run ahead of myself.

To make things clear, this is what I remember about myself from 6-8 years ago:

First and foremost, I dressed completely differently. It was relaxed and casual, where T-shirts, jeans and black took the front seat. I also played video games a lot (sometimes through the night), read manga all the time, went to geeky conventions, played tabletop RPGs with friends, knit, and was just generally up to date on what was happening in the geek world.

This is how I see myself today:

I have a work-self and a mommy-self, two personalities that my wardrobe makes painfully obvious. I also have a bunch of T-shirts, some a bit geeky, some music related, and some just cute, which I almost never wear anymore. I never play video games or read manga anymore, don't play RPGs, forget conventions, and live quite in the past when it comes to anything geeky, due to lack of time I guess. I can barely hold up my end of the conversation in anything that doesn't relate to my work or being a mom. I still knit, when weather permits, and I've been "reading" a lot more novels through Audible.

Now, before I go any further I have to say that I like my job and becoming a mother is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I just miss my old self, and I keep wondering, can I still call myself a geek, like I used to, even though I don't do anything anymore that could warrant the label? I can't tell if this is just something that happens to every working parent, or it's mainly me, though in all honesty, I feel it's mainly me. I also don't know if this is temporary until our child(ren) become older, or it's more or less permanent. Maybe I should just accept that from now until the foreseeable future I'll be this two-dimensional person with nothing but work and children on her mind. I can imagine people telling me to just change what I don't like, but I just don't have the time or the energy. The fact that I have to choose between sleep and having some me-time in the morning is simply mind boggling to me. 

Could I read manga during my commute to work? Maybe, and only when I walk or take the train, but it would cut back on what precious time I have for knitting.

Could I play more video games if I really tried? Only when my daughter was asleep, which in turn means sacrificing my own sleep as well.

Could I go back to reading webcomics? I don't have that kind of screen time, either. 

Could I dress differently? That I'm not sure I really want to. Rather I'd like to dress more feminine, without my clothes screaming "work" or "mother."

Could I play boardgames or RPGs with friends? Only if someone watches Rini.

Could I ask someone to watch Rini? It'd have to be someone from the group who I would want to hang out with.

***

I looked at myself in the mirror last night after going out for an hour, and I saw a tired and old-looking girl in there. No, not a woman, just a girl. The makeup, the accessories, the clothes... none of it helps. There is something very wrong with my self-image, something I don't even know how to begin to fix. Sure, it may be temporary, but honestly? This is nothing new. I don't feel like an adult, I don't feel like a woman, I don't feel like a geek, and I barely feel like a mother. Who was I? Who am I now?

I feel like I'm waiting for this miraculous change, where I'll know I'm an adult woman. It's like I'm this character in a video game who just keeps gaining experience points, but is perpetually stuck on Level 15... out of 100.

Who am I really? Beyond my work and being a mother, I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I've lost something, or I'm missing something that I should have had by now. An identity, my identity. The identity that should be there at least when work is over and Rini is asleep. But I have nothing. I go through the motions, like a robot, and while I enjoy many aspects, when it's done, there's nothing but emptiness...